return to form

Hello my online diary. It's been many many many years.

Starting has always been the hardest part for me, and after all this time, there's really no good place to start, so how about we start with today? 

(Proceeds to start with last night.)

The words "return to form" have been echoing in my brain chambers since last night, when my best friend and I watched one of the recent episodes of RuPaul's Drag Race. Suzie Toots, one of the drag queens in the top 5 of season 17, centered "a return to form" in her execution of the week's drag challenge, which disappointed the judges and led to her loss. For perhaps unnecessary but interesting context, the issue the judges had was that she never left her form, so a return to it was obsolete and boring. And I really do think this is the most interesting part of it all: what is leaving and what is returning?

Today at work, my supervisor, who is just one of the sweetest human beings I have ever met, shared with us a horror story that transpired very recently as a part of the adventures in parenting an 11 year old kid. The story involved a silly little 5th grader, sending out a silly little survey using a school email address, and including some not-so-5th grader language (these were the options under one of the questions, and I quote: f*ck yes! f*ck no! motherf*cking yes!) (side note: am I allowed to swear on this thing?). Anyways, my supervisor calls her stories a daily dose of birth control for everyone else, whereas I think of it more as free entertainment, and isn't this what it's like parenting any kid? I went up to my 5th grade teacher during quiet reading time and loudly ask her what an orgasm was. Definitely mortifying, but don't worry, this 11 year old is also embarrassed! More embarrassed to be caught by their parents and school principal (and in retrospect, thank god Mrs. Mallon didn't tell my parents).  

The conversation moves forth and now everyone's talking about how crazy social media is, and how does a 5th grader know all these swear words, and yes, children know too much now, their innocence ruined, healthy development rudely interrupted by having phones way too young. And I agree with it all. The idea of raising kids in the age of iPads and the internet terrifies me. It's unprecedented, uncontrollable, and susceptible to many things going very very wrong. And then I'm there, as a 22 year old, with my coworkers who are ages 30 and 23, strolling down memory lane to recollect whatever form was mine in the 5th grade.

"Well, I had completely unrestricted internet access growing up. My parents barely knew what the internet was, I mean, the world barely knew. And my parents had no idea what I was doing on the internet. I got Instagram in like 5th grade! I mean, I hate social media now, but I figured that out along the way. And yeah, I guess not everyone turns out like me, but I think I turned out okay?" My coworkers didn't really know what to say to that. 

Yes, I just fact checked. I joined Instagram in December 2012, 2 years after it launched. I was 10 years old, and I had definitely lied about my birthday. I joined every social media under the sun (except for MySpace, that one had kind of gone extinct by the time I was on the internet), and I started my very first blog a month after I turned 8, in January of 2011. I went through my phases of being somewhat addicted to the internet: binging Youtube videos, not getting off my email account (wild!), then my obsession with Snapchat streaks, Instagram likes and followers, and then it was messaging friends non-stop on Google Hangouts (RIP), and then the myriad of phone game addictions that peppered my childhood, and it goes on and on. The things that "ruined my innocence" were for sure Wattpad, Omegle, and Youtube, but I sought all those things out. Yes, I was probably too young, and yes, my parents had no idea (they probably still don't!), but I had to prepare myself somehow for this very much not-so-innocent world I found myself living in. I think I am in the minority of people who really despise social media and actively avoid using it now after being such an avid partaker for most of my life. High school was a rough time for my relationship with social media. But you know what never hurt me? My blog :) So, yes, let's return to form. 

I like this form! I don't think I'm a great writer, but I do write, and I have always written. In fact, I've been writing since before I could write. I would dictate poems to my dad. This blog was interrupted by my endlessly hungry life, eating up all my free time and forcing my priorities to shift away from the things I enjoyed the most. I have never stopped writing though, even if you can't tell that by looking at this blog. But why blog? My dad was a little perplexed when I told him I was thinking of starting it back up again. He said, hmm, what about a podcast or Youtube account? Aren't those more in? He's damn right! And that's why, I reject it. The blog is classic: a reflection of the old internet where people really did just have fun, fucked around, and found out. We simply don't have enough of that these days, especially on the internet.

The blogger is back! Welcome, welcome, welcome, be seated.

xoxo a 

published originally april 30th, 2025 at : hurricane-a.wixsite.com/hiccups