In my recent journey of grief, a memory that I keep coming back to is actually one of the grief itself. For my friend Eva's first birthday after she passed away, I went to the beach with a cupcake and a small joint. On a sunny but slightly wind-chilled Friday morning, I set off for a beach I hadn't been to before in the Cape. I stopped by a local cupcake store that I had never noticed, and promptly ordered the strawberry shortcake cupcake. It was in the early afternoon and the older gentleman at the counter, whom I assume was the owner of the store, greeted me kindly, and I ordered my one singular cupcake and he seemed a little taken aback by the randomness of it all so-- "Here, no need for a beautiful girl like you to pay!" I was delighted and smiling in an instant. What a way to feel Eva's energy around me.
I got to the small beach in Onset, right on a warm(er), shallow cove, and headed straight down to the water with my gifts, my journal, and some of Eva's letters that she had written me. The beach was almost completely deserted, except for a couple walking a dog in the distance, and the light wind muffled their voices so I hoped it would quiet mine. I began to speak! I spoke out loud to Eva, and it felt a little crazy to be talking to myself so emotively in public, but I looked out onto the water, even walking into the water up to my shins until my legs went completely numb, and decided that it didn't really matter what I looked like because it felt so right. I don't even really remember what I talked about, but I do remember going through almost every emotion. Anger, sadness, joy, fear, confusion, bittersweetness, longing, peace, chaos, big, soft, love, tenderness, soreness, anguish, loud, and quiet. The second part that also probably made me look a little crazy is that I walked around in elaborate spiral patterns dragging my feet through the sand to make vining curves across a 100 ft beachy canvas. Slowly and methodically, as I was talking to myself, I walked in these large circles, while feeling the sharpness of the sand on my bare feet but not really caring enough to stop. And also in pursuit of a cool looking pattern in the sand lol. I was there for over an hour and eventually, I quieted down. I watched a group of four girls, who seemed like young college friends try to set up a picnic some ways away from me on the beach. They gave up quickly due to the wind and started taking a walk down the beach They were frolicking by the water not too far from me, so I got up and went up to them and offered to take a picture. They seemed surprised but happy to receive my offer and handed me a digital camera. I had gone back and forth for a while on if it would be really weird for me to get up from where I was sitting, walk up to them, and offer the photo, and especially if they had just seen me walking in circles for like 30 minutes in the distance. But I concluded with "Whatever, fuck it" and thought, hey! they get a (hopefully) cute photo of the 4 of them at the beach! A memory made slightly more permanent by a random stranger. (Ramble side note: I honestly love offering to take pictures of people, especially when they are with family and friends because 1. we so often forget to capture those moments and 2. it's so nice to have them later on, plus 3. I think it's kind of cosmically cool to be a part of random people's universes by being the person behind the camera. Like the only reason that photo exists in that person's life is because of me, a random stranger!! Is that kind of crazy of me...?)
Soon after, I got cold and thought the feeling of sunshine in the car would be nice. I was gathering Eva's letters to leave when all of a sudden a burst of wind stole the pages and blew them hurriedly towards the street. I literally just took off in a run, chasing down these large loose pages. (I was also internally thanking the universe for not blowing them towards the ocean, but I knew deep down Eva was just playing, so I didn't have to be too worried). I felt and probably looked ridiculous, clumsily attempting to grab the pieces of the letter as they got caught on bits of rock and dirt, but the sudden adrenaline rush just made me laugh. Hi Eva.
So, the birthday celebration was a success. I experienced an outpouring of emotion, moved through the grief in a new way, and felt Eva's presence all around me. I ate a yummy and free cupcake which was the sweetest sign from the universe, and got to play a surprise game of tag with Eva through the wind. This is what I remember. The slightest sense of relief, even if only temporary. It had felt nice to cry without wiping my tears, to go numb in the water, to feel the sand between my toes, and to just feel alive. Because someone else doesn't get to. I feel like it's our responsibility to live our lives just a bit fuller for those who can't, and to live it in the ways that honor them, and keep their joy and spirit alive. Because they are here with us too, in ways we can't see or understand, but sometimes can feel when the veil is thin, when the emotions are pure and the heart is open and vulnerable and raw. Maybe all of this is because of you. I wish both that you could read my blog, Eva, and that also you didn't, because you were the finest writer I knew, and I would be slightly terrified of your judgement, oops.
Sometimes the universe's signs feel like they make sense, but sometimes they don't make any sense at all. The part of this day that I try not to remember is the drive back. On my way to my boyfriend's house, I saw a horrible car accident on the side of the highway. It had just happened, there were no ambulances or police cars there. I tried not to look but I remember seeing a person in the car, not moving. I almost immediately started having a panic attack. I remember asking myself, why, why, why, why do you have to show me this today. Of all the days? I was driving so I knew I didn't have the luxury of completely losing it, so I somehow had to squish down all the feelings into something controllable and attempt to forget what I had seen altogether. But I remember how cruel it felt... A perfect celebration marred by a terrible scene-- and one that was too on the nose. But I'm glad I was received by the embrace of someone I loved, to be comforted in the aftermath of it all. While I do believe in spirits and energy, I also believe in entropy and randomness. Everything can be a sign, so sometimes nothing is. Yeah, I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's the contradiction which makes it most true.
And now my journey through grief continues. Every day it shapes me the way enduring waves and river flows shape rocks and canyons and coastlines. I miss her, and all the ones I have lost. Gabriel & Blizzard. I miss them too. And I go on with the living and the feeling because what more can you do.
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