Today I am feeling so restless. It's June 14th and there are nationwide protests happening organized under the motto of "No Kings" to protest Trump and ICE and all the villainy, criminality, cruelty, and violence that's been ongoing in the U.S. My mom is getting her first tattoo today, and last week the tattoo artist pushed back our appointment time so that she can participate in the protests. My mom suggested we should go to the protests too, and I was excited for my mom to get engaged. So the plan was to attend a protest close to the tattoo studio, but come last night and this morning, it became more and more obvious that we would not be going.
I'm still trying to decipher how much of that decision is based on fear vs inconvenience. The latter reasoning annoys me deeply for perhaps obvious reasons. Not attending a protest out of inconvenience is.... in my opinion, a sign of your privilege not being used for good. But I know there's also fear. My mom is a legal permanent resident with a green card who's been living and working in the US for over 25 years. But she's not a citizen, she's an immigrant, she's brown, and she's connected to me and my dad who have been vocal against the current administration and the genocide in Gaza, so yes, she's afraid of being targeted. She doesn't really talk about it-- the news depresses her greatly and she's always been a little shy of being outwardly political. A month or two ago, she declared that she refuses to be afraid and she won't let the current administration fear monger her, but unfortunately, I think that's exactly what's happening.
Last night when we were discussing going to the protest in more concrete terms, she was uncomfortable and hesitant and doubtful, quietly questioning whether it was safe to go. I tried to reassure her that these organized protests with mostly white people at the helm would be quite safe (a lot of these protest organizers actually coordinate with local police, which is ironic and I have complicated feelings about it, but it does mean that they won't be attacked...?), but I don't think my reassurances were convincing. I woke up this morning to a rainy Saturday which was another easy excuse not to go... but it's leaving me feeling so restless and powerless.
But what's new? That's the feeling I've been living with every day. I went to a similar protest a couple months ago and it was great that so many people were out there protesting, a helpful reminder that a lot of people do care, but things are not changing-- they are getting worse. Both within the country (the violent police attacks on protesters in LA, the illegal and cruel kidnappings, ICE deportations, the literally unconstitutional laws that are trying to be passed) and internationally (the worsening of the genocide and forced starvation in Gaza, the humanitarian crisis in Sudan, and oh yeah, Israel bombed Iran yesterday... for what? Because Iran supposedly was building nuclear weapons and Israel feels threatened. There's no evidence though! Even the US's own investigations deemed Iran not a nuclear threat. And the US STILL backs Israel. What the actual hell.)
As I was writing , I just remembered a dream I had last night. It was about Trump, which is crazy! I hate that he infiltrated my night time subconscious. But the dream was that it was 2028 and the next election was coming up and I guess I was in a room with Trump?? Or maybe I was watching him or something, but it was like a personal/intimate setting. He declared that he would be running again, and I (or someone else) calmly told him that he can't do that. And he seemed genuinely confused, like what do you mean I can't do that? And me/someone else explained to him that it's literally in the Constitution that a president can't run for more than two terms, and that it was designed by the Founding Fathers themselves to protect against dictatorship/monarchy etc. I just remember the dream trying to very rationally explain that the literal Founding Fathers prohibited this and that Americans can't get behind that and they would not support him. He just seemed confused and dazed.
In dream state, I thought my argument was convincing. Even if you supported Trump and were super patriotic, under that presumption, you would have some loyalty to the Founding Fathers of America, right?? But in my waking hours now, I fear that the many Americans who support him, do not care. That they would allow him to run a third term. I hope so very badly that it's not true and that people would draw the line there, but I don't trust anyone anymore. They elected someone who is a rapist and has actual criminal offenses (how is that even legal?). The line to draw is nowhere. And every day is a testament to it. So many children are dying because of the taxes we are paying. The line to draw is still nowhere. International conflict and the shadows of a World War are being instigated due to the US's complicity. If you cared about the economy! Oil prices! The line to draw is nowhere. Families and communities who wanted better for themselves, who are good people, who pay taxes, are being terrorized and ripped apart by violent and militant and FASCIST police forces, while a criminal sits in office. The line to draw is nowhere. Where is everyone's conscience? A sense of morality? Humanity? Nowhere. This existential sadness sinks deeper and deeper into the fibers of my being. I am both saddened and enraged that I feel it and that others do not.
It's only been 5 and half months of this presidency, and it feels like an eternity. I want everything to crumble just so that I don't have to live in this cognitive dissonance. No more big houses on a hill, let the floodwaters rise until no one is spared. What a devastating and pessimistic emotion to feel... Is this what my hope looks like now?
Anyways, I realize where this blog post started and ended seems a bit crazy, but I think you're just witnessing the layers of the onion get peeled back further and further. I know I still have hope because I still care. Because I'm still determined to do something to make it a bit better. Till next time.
Love,
A
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originally published june 14th at hurricane-a.wixsite.com/hiccups
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